from now on my penis is your penis
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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