I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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