We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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