Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
