im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
