so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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