I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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