I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
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