How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
