you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
