when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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