Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
