Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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