Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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