he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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