just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
