I hate your face
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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