i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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