That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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