I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
