My room smells like vodka and shame
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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