My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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