you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
