So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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