my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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