Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
