you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
