so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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