the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize