He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
