Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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