i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
