Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize