Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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