there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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