that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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