got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
