Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
