I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
