Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
