Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Found your dick twin last night
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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