I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
