I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
