Pants 0. Shit 1.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
