Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
