Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
