Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
