He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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