Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize