i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
