I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
two words...techno handjob
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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