Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
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