he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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