I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
As shirtless as possible
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
