Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
tell me about the eggs
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
