you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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