I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
