I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
