He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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